As the Dating Guru, I love to answer all dating questions.

Today I’ll be helping with one of the most recent.

“Dear James,  I’ve been seeing someone for a short while now. We’ve had three dates over the last ten days and things seem to be going really well.  We talk almost every night on the phone and text during the day.  We hold hands on the date and have kissed too, but nothing more yet.  The thing is, I really like them and want us to be an “item”, but I don’t want to scare them off.  How can I found out if the feeling is mutual and if things are serious? Our next date is this weekend.  R”

Dear R,

Many thanks for your message.  I’m pleased things are going well.  You’ve got past the three date barrier which is often the “decider” for a relationship.  The thing to keep in mind though is that while you’ve had lots of contact, it has only been ten days in reality.   I’d suggest you ease up on the contact a tiny bit or you’ll end up “crashing and burning.”  This is where feelings escalate too quickly and you run out of things to do and say.  Leave a little bit of mystery about yourself and they’ll want more.

As for whether things are serious or not,  there’s no harm at all in simply asking.   If they don’t see it as a long term thing then at least you’ll know now.   If they are happy and want to make it official  – which sounds likely – then they are probably just waiting for you to mention it first.  Nobody wants to be the first to bring it up in conversation!

Good luck!

If you have your own dating question you’d like me to answer, email it over to james@singlesolution.com with DATING GUR U as the subject.  I’ll answer the best ones here in this blog.

James Preece  – The Dating Guru

www.asiansinglesolution.com

In today’s blog I answer a member’s dating question.

Should a guy really pay for everything on a first date?

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Dear James,

Should a guy pay for dinner and drinks on a first date?

I recently had a date with a girl who I met for drinks. It went really well and I took her out to dinner straight after.  I very much got on with her and hoped to see her again. Traditionally a guy would normally pay for the girl, but I had gone on a date with another girl previously who was adamant that she should pay for herself, even for a soft drink. With this in mind, I decided that we should split the cost for dinner. Later on it pertained that she wasn’t impressed and expected me to pay for everything. She didn’t appreciate it and ended it quickly. I didn’t mind but I am really confused now.

In today’s society women want their independence and I assumed they are generally happy to pay their own way (at least on the first date). It also spells to me that the guy is not “paying” his way into a potential relationship.

I’m not a miser and I’m happy to spend on my family and friends but I think that if you are complete strangers then I wouldn’t want her to take advantage from the off. A couple of close female friends of mine also agree with me, but I think for the future I would like to know the best way to go about it.

Z

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Dear Z,

Many thanks for your question. I feel your frustration, I really do.  Dating can be really expensive for a guy and it’s hard working out whether you should pay or not.

However, there’s one basic rule that we always suggest you stick to – the man should always pay!

The reasoning behind this is that it’s the man’s job to be a gentleman and take care of the lady.  You have to show her that you are a good provider and it’s something that goes back to cavemen times.  Above all, it shows that he can take the initiative and lead.

With that in mind, the woman should always at least offer to split the bill, but the man should not let her on a first date.

When it comes to dinner AND drinks then the rules can change slightly.   If the woman doesn’t at least offer to get a few rounds in then it could be seen as her taking advantage.

Going back to the lady who insisted she pay for her own drinks, did you ever see her again?  I’m guessing not.   If someone makes a point of not letting you pay, she’s pretty much telling you she’s not interested and doesn’t want to lead you on.

So I’m afraid you do have to open your wallet if you want to get more dates…..and you’ll get bonus points for tipping the waiting staff well.   If you can’t afford it then forget dinner and stick to drinks.

Good luck!

James Preece – The Dating Guru

www.asiansinglesolution.com

In today’s blog I answer another member’s dating problem.

How do you avoid the dreaded “friends zone”?

Dear James,

I hope you can help me.  I don’t seem to have a problem getting dates but I always seem to end up in the “just a friend” category after.  We’ll have a good time and I’ll be looking forward to seeing them again, only to be blown out. They’ll tell me I’m a lovely guy but they just seem see me as a friend.  What can I do about this?

G

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Dear G,
Many thanks for your email.  It’s very easy to get stuck in the friends zone if you don’t make your interest clear.

I’m going to show you how to move on from friend to boyfriend.

1) Be flirty.   You need to try and escalate things physically.  Stay clear of anthing creepy of course,  but you do have to lightly touch her every now and again. This can be as simple as touching her arm or giving her a quick hug at the start of the date.  Once you are sure she is comfortable, step it up a little. Perhaps you can give her a high five or hold her wrist while you pretend to be interested in her watch.

2) Be a a Man.  Women need to respect your masculinity if they want to date you. This means paying the bills, being confident and not chasing them round like a lovesick puppy.

3) Be Romantic.  If you want her to feel romantic towards you then you need to set the scene.  Take her to romantic places, buy her small gifts and treat her like she’s the most important person you’ve ever met.   If she feels special then you’ll be making her feel good too – meaning she will want more of it!

4) Make your interest clear.  How will they know you like them if you are too nervous to tell them?  Bite the bullet and make your move.  If you delay it she’ll assume you only want to be friends and it’s very hard to turn it round.

5) Remember all is not lost.  Many friendships do eventually turn into relationships and can often be longer lasting because of it.

Good luck!
James Preece – The Dating Guru

www.asiansinglesolution.com

Here’s a new dating question for the Dating Guru:

Dear James,
I have been dating this guy, J, for only a few days. He has an ex girlfriend that still harasses him constantly for his attention and
for sex

I am at a disadvantage because I have asked him to wait before we sleep together and he does not like or respect the idea

I don’t really know what usually goes on in a guy’s mind but him being impulsive and his ex girlfriend constantly sending him sexual beams, I am sure he is about to sleep with her and dump me

I know he misses the sex with her because he’s still attracted to her and she obviously misses him

I don’t know what to do. Please advise!

C
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Dear C,

Thank you for writing to me. I can see why you are confused.

This guy is definitely playing games with you in an effort to get you to sleep with him. How do you know his ex keeps texting him for sex? If he cared about you he’d either block her from contacting him OR would be respectful another not to tell you about his. Instead, he’s using it against you to try and force you to do something you don’t want to to.

The bottom line is that if you don’t feel ready – don’t do it! It’s only been a few days after all. If you have to wait six months until you want to have sex then he needs to understand that.

He sounds like a selfish jerk anyway. If he doesn’t get what he wants from you then he’ll soon go back to his ex. If you DO sleep with him he’ll get bored soon enough and start looking for his next conquest. This isn’t love, it’s lust. He needs to the sex to boost his own ego. Whatever you do, you’ll always be worrying which doesn’t make a happy relationship.

My advice?  Talk to him and try and reach an agreement.  If he still continues to tease and pressure you then dump him. You’ll soon find someone better who deserves to be with you.

Good luck!

James Preece – The Dating Guru
www.asiansinglesolution.com

Here’s a dating problem answered.

Dear James,

I’ve  been seeing a lovely guy for a few weeks now.  We get on great and things are going well…but he’s just a bit too keen!   He texts me several times a day and gets upset if we don’t speak every evening.  I do really like him but I can’t breathe!   What should I do?

Nisha

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Dear Nisha,

Thank you for your email.   It’s a difficult situation as you need to  tread carefully.  If you play harder to get then he might try even harder.  But if you don’t then he’ll put you off and it will be too late to do anything.  That would be a real shame if you do like each other.

Some people need constant reassurance that all is going well and they are worried they might lose momentum if they don’t show they are interested.  However,  the adoring puppy look isn’t a sexy one.

My advice is just to be honest with him.  Tell him you really like him but he needs to back off and give you some space.  Set boundaries and make sure he sticks to them.

If he does this properly you might even find that you have the urge to contact him more.  Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder and you’ll miss his constant contact!

Good luck,

James Preece – The Dating Guru

www.asiansinglesolution.com

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Hi James

I hope you are well? – I am looking for some advice

I am 37, divorced, and have a 5 year old son. I had an arranged/ introduced marriage. The conclusion of this, was that I married the wrong girl, but the great thing was my son. I am separated for over 2 years, and am legally divorced, and awaiting for the financial separation to be concluded.

I hope you can appreciate that it has taken me about 12 months, to even walk outside of the house, and immmersed myself in work. I have regained alot of confidence, lost weight, and havn’t felt physically this good in years.

Here I am now, that I believe that I am not old, I still have the opportunity to find the “right” woman. This is the first time in my life I am being selfish, in the divorce, and getting my life back, I love my son very much. He is apart of me, and am never going to let him go.

I am really struggling to find / meet women that are willing to accept that I have a son. I have worked it out it is my relationship with with ex wife that is the problem, not my son. Indian girls are not willing to accept this, as in our community I am a social outcast.

I am very confident, sucessfull man. I have figured out what I want, and even to an extent what women want. I am mature, sophisticated, intelligent. Nothing would make me happier than to meet my equal in life, and someone in that we can make each other happy.

Though, I have been on few first dates, and I can talk to women, approach them, but basically nothing. I go to many social events, I find them better than the internet method

So what do I do? – it is very difficult to handle, and am thinking of taking myself out of this, and giving up, but the desire not to give up (I am very determined and driven person), is keeping me going, but the knock backs are begining to hurt.

I am really not sure what to do. I know my life is going to be tough, but I really want to meet someone!

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Many thanks for your email – I’m only too happy to help.

Firstly, well done for taking steps to get your life back on track. It can be so hard to regain focus after such a bad experience. The positive thing is that you’ve got a son who you are clearly so proud of.

Let me reassure that not all women will be put off by the fact you are divorced and have a child. Attitudes are changing. A few years ago as site like ours was considered “taboo” but now it’s the market leader for professional Asians and more and more people are joining that ever before. Stop thinking of yourself as an outcast and realise that it actually works in your favour. It shows that you are capable of reproducing which subconsciously makes you more attractive to women who want kids of their own! Many studies have shown that “fathers” are considered more loving, compassionate and intelligent that men without children.

The important thing to do is to mention your son in your profile. Yes, there are women who will stop reading at that point but most will want to keep reading. If you make it very clear from the outset ( rather than a secret you have to announce later) you’ll only be talking to women who you can have a long term relationship with.

I’ve had a good look at your profile and you seem to be getting lots of interest which is fantastic. I know one or two of the women you are going to be meeting and they are lovely.

Oh, and you really ought to write more about yourself in your profile. Your emails are great that you send out but do run them through a spell checker as women can be quick to judge on that

You say that you enjoy the events so keep going with that. We have events all the time and you’ll soon make new friends. Treat it as a social night without any expectations and you never know who you might meet! Also, accept any invitations that you get and make sure you are putting yourself “out there” as much as you can.

Finally, please don’t give up! You’ve only been using the site for a few months. Your adventure has only just started to enjoy every moment of being single that you can. After all, when you meet someone again you don’t want to have missed out on all the fun of dating!

If you’d like any more help then do contact me directly via my website: www.jamespreece.com

I coach people one to one to get the dating results they really want.

Good luck!

James

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Do you have a dating problem you’d like me to answer?

Get in touch now.

James Preece – The Dating Guru

www.asiansinglesolution.com

We are often asked to run older events, e.g. 30s and 40s. Whilst this is our most popular age group for SingleSolution.com we just dont seem to get many British Asian men over 40.

It struck me last night why this is, and it seems obvious.

According to wikipedia the flow of Indian immigrants peaked between 1965 and 1972,

So by deduction 2nd generation Indians would  have only been born in any significant numbers after 1965. Assuming new entrants to the UK took a few years to settle, this would have meant a gradual increase in the birth rate, that would put the majority of 2nd generation indians in the UK at age 40 or less. For anyone to have been born in the UK to Indian parents and to be over 40, their parents would have had to have been here significantly prior to 1970. There are a few but just not many.

It seems reasonable that the majority of British born Indians would have been born to parents arriving around 1970 +/- 5 years, who probably wouldnt have had children for 5 years or more which would make them 35 or under on average.

This is only really an issue because men tend to date younger ladies. The solution for Asian ladies in their late 30s and 40s is to look wider than British Born Indians.

Please respond with your posts below. Is there any substance to this. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Paul Ergatoudis

Director

www.asiansinglesolution.com

” Dear James, I’m a divorced 34 year old Asian single mother.  I have a Masters Degree, a job that I love and own two houses.

I have reached a time in my life where I would like to start dating and maybe get married again one day. So far, I have had a hard time meeting mature men my own age. My friends assure me that I’m a great catch – beautiful, great catch, funny, good personality etc.  However, the few guys I’ve dated have called things off for really odd reasons. I had one date that I felt went well. Later that night he sends me a TEXT MESSAGE to say “the conversation was great and you’re a beautiful girl. But, you being a vegetarian is a deal breaker
for me.” Other situations didn’t fare much better. I find it very very very hard to believe that being a vegetarian is that much of a turn off to somebody. Where is a good place to meet a mature man in his late 30’s (no bars please!).  Is Online Dating really that safe? Please can you help?  M”

Hi M,

Many thanks for your question.  It’s something I get asked all the time so I’ll definitely try to help   You need to know that you are not alone and there are huge numbers of women in the same situation.

Let’s get right to the point.  You are right, it was probably nothing to do with being a vegetarian.  ( Unless he was a butcher?!)   It’s much more likely that these men are getting cold feet simply because you have a child. I know, it’s very unfair, but not many younger men are mature enough to handle it. They aren’t ready to take on extra responsibility and will want to have kids of their own a bit later in their lives. Some even have a hard time looking after themselves right now!  Not only that but they will be paranoid about your ex-husband popping back on the scene at some point, even if he isn’t at the moment. It’s not just you who they are dating, but three of you.  They don’t want to hurt your feelings and tell you this directly so they make up crazy excuses instead.

Oh, and to top this off, there are men who will even be intimidated or insecure that you’ve got a great job, your own place etc if they’re not sorted their own lives out.

But don’t worry, once men get a bit older and grow up a bit, they can be quite happy to settle down. There are many decent men in their 30s who would jump at the chance to date you, it’s just a matter of finding them!

So, what do I suggest? Find out if there are any singles events in your area. Most busy cities have them each week and most men are professional and settled.  Theatre trips, casinos and wine tastings can be fun ideas -it’s not just about bars.  At the very least you will make some new friends and have a great night out.

Online dating is definitely your best way forward.  Firstly, you can state clearly that you are a single mother so you’ll only be contacted by men who are happy with that. If you are told you are beautiful then why not use that to your advantage and put up some great pictures to get attention? Remember to be proactive on the dating site too. You can’t just wait for people to contact you. Take action and you’ll soon have them queing up to date you Safety isn’t really an issue on the decent dating sites. Just remember not to give out your surname, real email or phone number until you are sure you are interested.  Trust your instincts, meet in a safe busy place you know and always tell a friend where you will be.

Finally, another great idea can be to get all your friends to help you. Tell them what you are looking for and ask if they know any great guys. People love challenges like this and you never know you might meet.

Good luck!

James Preece – The Dating Guru
www.asiansinglesolution.com