Archive for March, 2019



Should I Tell Them About My Dating History?

Wednesday, March 20th, 2019

We have all heard the rule not to mention an ex partner in a new relationship. That rule could perhaps be outdated now. After all, we all have a history. On one hand, talking about your exes can make it seem like you’re emotionally hung-up. On the other hand, when you’ve dated someone for a long time, or been married, they are an integral part of your life. There is a good chance you have stories you want to share that involve your ex. It can be exhausting to have to remember to say your “friend” instead of your ex. It also feels dishonest, since you’re not disclosing the depth of the relationship. Of course, you should never indulge in details about previous relationships, but pretending they never existed isn’t practical either. Especially if you’ve been married or have children.

If you’re only dating someone casually, with no intention of developing a real relationship, they don’t need to know if you’ve ever been married. They don’t need to know how many people you’ve dated or been intimate with. However, if you’re planning to have a serious relationship with someone, you want to get the information out in the open as soon as possible. Especially if it’s going to be a deal-breaker.

This is particularly challenging for single parents. Many people seem to have an aversion to dating someone with children. This may stem from the belief that single parents have too much baggage or it may be as simple as they aren’t good around children. Everyone has their own reason for avoiding single parents. Unfortunately, it’s a reality that has to be faced.

When you’re a single parent, we’d advise you to mention your child upfront. If you’re dating online, this can be as easy as mentioning a hobby you and your children participate in right on your profile. If you don’t mention your child on your profile make sure you let them know within the first messages. It doesn’t have to be the very first message, but sooner is always better. Anyone with an aversion to children will skip your profile. This saves you from potentially awkward conversations. It also helps you not to waste your time on someone who isn’t interested. After all, being a parent is an important part of someone’s life. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent. If someone has a problem with children, then they aren’t the right person for you.

The same should be said about a previous marriage. Your marriage, even thought it has ended, was an important part of your life and you should be open about it. Especially if you are planning to get serious with a new partner. If your new partner has issues with you being divorced, that is their hang-up, not yours. It is better to know their reservations before you plan to build a future with them.

Unfortunately, a separation is more complicated. For most people, being separated is a loose-end. There is baggage. Your new partner may wonder if you’re not divorced because you’re still holding on. Your new partner may even feel like you’re just trying to fill the shoes of your previous relationship. Since there are many complications with a separation or pending divorce, you should tell your new partner as soon as you realize you are serious about the relationship.

Again, if you’re not serious about someone, your past relationships can be kept to yourself. If you are serious about someone, they should know all the baggage you may come with. The worst thing you can do is try to pretend you don’t have a past. By doing this, your new partner will feel like you’re hiding something from them. If you didn’t mention that you were married, imagine how they would react 1 year after dating you? 5 years down the line? How would you react?

If you’re insecure about your dating history, you shouldn’t be dating. You need to work through any residual issues from past relationships before getting involved with someone new.

What To Say To Yourself Before A Date

Monday, March 11th, 2019

When you’re getting ready for a date, it’s natural to be nervous. Almost everyone feels nervous before a date. It is a universal part of the dating process. The nerves are only amplified if it’s been a while since you’ve been on a date or you have a history of dates that didn’t go quite the way you hoped. The problem with being nervous is that it can quickly develop into over-thinking and may even become a source of stress and panic.

What do you do when that happens? Give yourself a pep talk! It sounds silly, but it’s more common than you would think. Many people give themselves a quick pep talk right before a date. This can help to boost your confidence and refocus your thoughts. If a pep talk from yourself doesn’t sound helpful, try recruiting a friend or family member to boost your confidence.

Be prepared to hear the most dreaded phrase in pep talks: “You just have to try to relax.”

We all know that the secret to being less nervous is to relax. We also know that it’s easier to say than to actually do. If you are having trouble relaxing, here are a few things you can do to calm your nerves before a date:

Deep breathing
Meditation
Listening to music, especially your favorite artist/favorite songs
Distract yourself (eg: video games, word puzzles, chatting on the phone with a friend)
Work out/get physically active

These methods may or may not work for you. For some, distractions are a great way to reduce nerves, instead of hyper-focusing on the upcoming date. If distraction isn’t helping, this is what to say to yourself before a date that will actually be helpful:

You’re just meeting someone.

You are two people, getting together to share conversation and a few laughs. There are no expectations beyond the conversation. If the date doesn’t go well, it won’t be the end of the world. There will always be someone else you can meet. By putting “expectations” on a date, you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be. If you reframe your from “date” to “going out with a new friend”, you may find it easier to relax. You may also choose to focus on what you’re doing, instead of who you’re doing it with.

It’s not a job interview and you won’t lose anything if it doesn’t work out.

You don’t have to worry about perfect presentation. Yes, you only get one chance to make a good impression. But you’re not up for a job interview. You don’t have to put a professional foot forward. Instead, just be yourself. Speak in a way that is natural to you and let the conversation flow. The best method for keeping this mind set is by making low-stress plans together. This means a coffee shop and a walk through the park. Choose simple activities that you’ll both be comfortable with. This way, you’re less likely to suffer from nerves. You can ease into the date and let the conversation progress naturally.

Embrace it.

The best thing you can really do is just accept and embrace your nervousness. There is a good chance the person you’re going to meet feels just as nervous as you. Instead of thinking about how nervous you are, think about how nervous the other person might be. Now, think of the ways you can break the ice by mentioning the elephant in the room. Humour is a great tool to ease stress and make someone feel more relaxed. Keep in mind that your date understands your nerves as they are feeling them too.

James Preece

Dating Coach for AsianSingleSolution.com