Should I Tell Them About My Dating History?
Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
We have all heard the rule not to mention an ex partner in a new relationship. That rule could perhaps be outdated now. After all, we all have a history. On one hand, talking about your exes can make it seem like you’re emotionally hung-up. On the other hand, when you’ve dated someone for a long time, or been married, they are an integral part of your life. There is a good chance you have stories you want to share that involve your ex. It can be exhausting to have to remember to say your “friend” instead of your ex. It also feels dishonest, since you’re not disclosing the depth of the relationship. Of course, you should never indulge in details about previous relationships, but pretending they never existed isn’t practical either. Especially if you’ve been married or have children.
If you’re only dating someone casually, with no intention of developing a real relationship, they don’t need to know if you’ve ever been married. They don’t need to know how many people you’ve dated or been intimate with. However, if you’re planning to have a serious relationship with someone, you want to get the information out in the open as soon as possible. Especially if it’s going to be a deal-breaker.
This is particularly challenging for single parents. Many people seem to have an aversion to dating someone with children. This may stem from the belief that single parents have too much baggage or it may be as simple as they aren’t good around children. Everyone has their own reason for avoiding single parents. Unfortunately, it’s a reality that has to be faced.
When you’re a single parent, we’d advise you to mention your child upfront. If you’re dating online, this can be as easy as mentioning a hobby you and your children participate in right on your profile. If you don’t mention your child on your profile make sure you let them know within the first messages. It doesn’t have to be the very first message, but sooner is always better. Anyone with an aversion to children will skip your profile. This saves you from potentially awkward conversations. It also helps you not to waste your time on someone who isn’t interested. After all, being a parent is an important part of someone’s life. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent. If someone has a problem with children, then they aren’t the right person for you.
The same should be said about a previous marriage. Your marriage, even thought it has ended, was an important part of your life and you should be open about it. Especially if you are planning to get serious with a new partner. If your new partner has issues with you being divorced, that is their hang-up, not yours. It is better to know their reservations before you plan to build a future with them.
Unfortunately, a separation is more complicated. For most people, being separated is a loose-end. There is baggage. Your new partner may wonder if you’re not divorced because you’re still holding on. Your new partner may even feel like you’re just trying to fill the shoes of your previous relationship. Since there are many complications with a separation or pending divorce, you should tell your new partner as soon as you realize you are serious about the relationship.
Again, if you’re not serious about someone, your past relationships can be kept to yourself. If you are serious about someone, they should know all the baggage you may come with. The worst thing you can do is try to pretend you don’t have a past. By doing this, your new partner will feel like you’re hiding something from them. If you didn’t mention that you were married, imagine how they would react 1 year after dating you? 5 years down the line? How would you react?
If you’re insecure about your dating history, you shouldn’t be dating. You need to work through any residual issues from past relationships before getting involved with someone new.
- Tags: asian divorce, asian marriage, asian wedding
Posted in Dating Advice
